Just Tuesdays

I haven't been on here in soo soo long.  I sometimes wonder why I have a blog if I'm not using it.  Maybe it's just for days like this, when my thoughts seem to want to come OUT of my head and onto the screen.  I started going to a bible study last Tuesday.  This may not sound like some huge-ish deal to you, but I've never ever been to one before.  Yes, I grew up going to church, and yes, that church did offer bible studies.  I just didn't make the time/wasn't interested.  Horrible of me, I know. BUT, I'm going to my first ever now.  Ironic part?  It isn't even at my own church.  It's at my daughter's school.  There was a flyer in June's school folder giving information on an upcoming bible study with FREE childcare on Tuesday mornings.  And thanks to my sweet sister-in-law's excitement, I decided to go.  I'll be honest, the first shindig wasn't quite what I'd hoped.  It's a Beth Moore bible study (with the way people talk about her, I figure no explanation necessary), and I'd never read anything of hers, or heard her speak.  I sort of wish someone would've prepared me for the..the loudness coming out of that tiny woman.  Look, she's got big hair, weighs maybe 110 lbs, and SHOUTS.  If you know me, I don't really like a lot of loud.  Sometimes I unconsciously shush crowds in public.  Needless to say, I was holding back a lot of shushes during the first video.  I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying, I was watching her hair NOT MOVE an inch the entire time she flitted around, and the volume of the lady distracted me from the study.  Ok, I let those two things distract me.  Anyway, after that rough introduction to a Beth Moore bible study, I wasn't sure exactly how I felt about it.  But I came back this week bearing 47 hot, fresh-from-the-oven biscuits and jam.  I made 50, but June and Abigail smelled them.  They are my biscuit babies and would gladly live on crisco, flour, and milk.  

Today was quite a bit more eye-opening.  Her hair was still big, but what she was talking about just kept hitting home.  The title of the study is Fruits of the Spirit.  A pretty generic, christiany name that I didn't really realize the meaning of.  But now I do.  And now all I can think about today is the Spirit in me and what it has helped me do since I was 11.  I don't think I ever really appreciated all the work and effort God has put into guiding me and forgiving me.  Because, trust me, I take a lot of work.  Ask John.  Or read my last blog.  I need some strict guidance to get me down the right road every morning when I wake up.  Because most days I don't go down the right road.  Actually I haven't had a really great day in a long time.  I have consumed myself with how many hours Abigail sleeps (or doesn't), how many days John is gone every month, how much money we don't have to do the things I want to do, and how much happier our family would be if...fill in the blank, but it's not something we already have or already do (of course).  But after reading my bible (I kind of just want to say it again, because it's still such a novelty to me) But after reading my bible, I know what my problems stem from and now I have an idea of how I can work on them a little every day.  No need to go into details, especially since I hear Abigail waking up, but I am happy that I'm doing my first ever bible study, reading my bible, and seeing the parallels between all those people Paul talked to and myself.  Abrupt end, baby calls!

floating

I have been reading blogs for the last few minutes by parents who have many children, who are adopting, or who have already adopted.  I rarely take the time to read or write blogs (obviously), but just wanted to sit down for a while, and read.  In reading through the lives of all these brave, wonderful, Godly people, I am beginning to see a part of myself that I do not like.  Trust me, there are fifty thousand things about myself that I don't like, today I just recognized another one to add to the list.  You know, the list.  The one entitled "Here Are The Things I Need to Change in Order to Be Perfect".  Reading about all those people with all those children and more on the way made me realize what a coward I am.  I mean, sure, my husband and I have always talked about having lots of kids, and adoption and how cool that would be, but we never really dove any deeper than that, like what it actually TAKES to be the person for that.  Reading about the behaviors of adopted children and the patience you need to deal with that, and the waiting!  And good grief, the money that it takes.  It all seems so big and scary to me now.  I am a messy, disorganized, LAZY person.  I'll admit it.  The lazy part is what gets me the most.  I can go for days and days at full speed.  My house will be spotless, the clothes will be clean, and I'll sit down with my kids to make crafts.  I'll shower every morning during naptime and eat the right things (mostly, kind-of-sort-of), and get the errands run.  And then, I just stop.  Suddenly my house is a mess, there aren't any clean forks, and I honestly just don't really want to get up from the couch.  I suddenly feel as though I'm trudging knee-deep in sand with everything I do.  A shower every day?  Insurmountable task.  Clean laundry?  Good luck finding any.  It's frustrating.  It's annoying.  But most of all, it's embarrassing.  How is it that every month or so I become so lazy?  I HATE it.  And it's during these down times that I think, I'm just not the greatest mother or wife.  I'm not organized or patient or energetic or BRAVE enough to have lots of kids, or to adopt a child, or live in another country.  That's what I was thinking a little while ago as I read those blogs.  Wow, what great, strong, beautiful mothers.  What amazing, Jesus-loving families.  I don't know if I have what it takes to do what they do.  I know some people will say, "try slowing down and doing everything with moderation.  Don't go so overboard that you run out of steam in cycles."  Trust me, I HAVE noticed the pattern.  It's very simple; I overdo it, and then I under do it.  But that is the story of my life, so I guess I don't really know how to put moderation into practice.  I tend to go into things with gusto.  I will be extraordinarily enthusiastic about making plans, extremely passionate when I fight (not a good thing), and very, very afraid when any seed of doubt has been planted in my mind.  And I can be the best couch potato the world has ever seen.  So.  Needless to say, I am very unhappy with these qualities I see in myself.  Don't take this the wrong way, I don't think I'm some terrible mother, or bipolar for that matter, I just know where my sins are.  And I'd really like to fix them.  But it IS a little disheartening when I've seen this pattern in my life since I was like, 6.  Someone once told me that I was "the cheeriest pessimist" they'd ever met.  I know I'm not a murderer or a thief, but these little things are not so little when they are hindering me from getting closer to God.  It's hindering me from being a better mother, wife, person.  Surely it's hindering me from what God is and will be calling me to do.  I don't even know what it will be, but perhaps it is adoption, or some other huge thing?  What then?  I'm letting these ridiculous little things keep me from serving Him?  I know this is a boring, uneventful post, but I want to purge myself of all this filth and start fresh.  I want take care of my house the way I should, I want to play with my kids more frequently throughout the day, I want to teach them something new every day, and I want to be more open to whatever it is God wants for me, and geez louise, I want all the laundry put away.  So, if you wouldn't mind praying that I have less "down" days, that I put moderation into practice, and that I get rid of that unnamed fear that has gnawed at me and hindered my whole life, I'd really appreciate it.  Oh, and maybe throw in a word or two about a laundry miracle?  Thanks.

a breath away

little girls, i just can't get mad when i find plastic ponies on my toilet wrapped in toilet paper, markers with no lids squashed down into the seat cushions, blankets in the bathtub, or food in my bed.  i can't be upset when i go to bed exhausted, because i have chased you two around all day.  i cannot be annoyed when i hear whining or fussing, or when i hear a crash, smash, or crack.  i just cannot be exasperated when i hear "why"  a hundred thousand times in that tiny voice of yours.  i cannot be upset about these stretchmarks on my body, or that i have a different shape now.
because one day, those ponies will be in a box covered in dust, the toilet paper will be intact, the markers in a drawer, blankets in the closet.  there will be no food hidden under my sheets, and i'll no longer be woken up by "morning, mommy!  can i have some juice?".  i won't be chasing the sounds of your bare feet pitter-pattering across the floor, or listening for the tell-tale sound of a sad little girl, or one who's broken a piece of china that cannot hug me back.  i'll have no little child to make me think carefully about my answers to "why".  these stretchmarks will stay with me, remind me of how it felt to carry you in my womb for nine months, to feel your kick like butterfly wings.  i will love them for that alone, knowing that it was my body that kept you safe all those months.  little girls, you will not stay little forever, but i promise you, the depth of my love does not change when you grow up.  and i will cherish all these little everyday things, because the day that they are gone is only a breath away.

merry christmas

can someone please explain to me how it's already the week of christmas?  how my 3 1/2 year old is already telling me letter sounds and feeding her sister her food?  how my 8 month old is EIGHT MONTHS OLD?  please.  someone tell me how to slow it down.  half of me is leaning forward, eager to see what's coming next. while the other half of me is weeping at the thought of leaving this time behind.  at leaving behind the smell of abigail's baby skin.  the feel of june's tiny kisses.  the sound of their sparkly little laughs.  the look of love they give their mom and dad, and each other.  and those tiny hands.  oh gosh, that gets me the most.  those tiny little fingers wrapped around mine so tightly.  i don't ever want to forget the feel of their tiny, fragile hands in mine.  they'll never be this small again.  if it's moving this quickly already, june will be in college by next year.  abigail will be driving.  oh these moments.  they are so fleeting. 

sometimes when i have a little time just to sit with them and think of how far they've already come, i start to wonder about them.  i imagine what my daughters will be like when they're grown.  what kind of hearts they'll have.  what kind of things they'll love.  and then i think about the things that i hope for them.  and pray for them.  my love just goes on and on for them.  i hope hope HOPE they love God more than anything in this world.  i hope they feel that kind of love in return, tenfold.  i hope they believe in the absolute truth of Him.  i hope they take every word in that bible and hold onto it, and live it.  i hope they don't pick and choose what they believe to justify how they live, but that they let God choose how they live.  i hope those two little girls stay close their whole lives.  i hope they love others.  no matter what.  i hope they don't judge.  i hope they have a yearning to help others.  i hope for everything for them.  dear sweet little ones, merry christmas.  it's going to be a good one.

grandmother.

i went to the stewart house today to see my grandmother.  i literally haven't seen her in months.  she has Alzheimer's.  it's heartbreaking to watch the constant state of confusion on her face when people are around that she used to know; children she raised; grandchildren she rocked.  i guess that's why i've stayed away for so long.  it's very selfish of me, but i want so badly for her to know me.  just a flicker of recognition in her eyes.  i used to stay with her and my granddaddy every day while my parents worked.  she played with me, made my lunch, took me on picnics in the red wagon, and rocked me to sleep.  today she introduced herself to me and asked my name.  

Alzheimer's is a horrible disease.  it's like a poison that seeps in and steals your memories, everything you have and know about yourself so that you're no longer sure about anything or anyone, and you have nothing but the fog of confusion as your constant.

my grandmother has always been the most beautiful person i've ever seen.  when i was little, i relished for days the compliment my grandfather gave me.  he said i reminded him of my grandmother when she was young.  i know it was really just my eyes, but still.  that's enough for me.  

she used to whistle hymns and the beatles.  i held her hand all the time and she would swing my hand back and forth while she sang "i wanna hold your hand".  she always made us popsicles out of grape juice and let us dribble it all over our white shirts.  we took walks every day and had picnics at big rock.  we had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, marshmallows, juice, and peppermints.  on new year's eve, all of my cousins would spend the night at her house and eat terribly.  we'd stay up until midnight and at the stroke of 12 we'd throw confetti outside, shoot bottle rockets, and my granddaddy would dip her and give her a loud kiss.  she used to rock me to sleep in the afternoons in an old mustard-colored rocker, and she'd wind up a little music box with a woodpecker on it.  one time when i was spending the night she asked where i wanted to sleep, and i said, "the closet".  so we slept in the closet.  and she woke me up by tickling my nose with her toes.  on one of our walks a snake slithered across the road.  a big black one.  when i started to get upset, she asked if i was afraid of it.  i nodded, so she took off after it, laughing and telling it to "get on".  i couldn't even believe it.  

oh i miss her so much sometimes it aches.  i want her to know me, to know my children, and i want them to know her too.  i miss my granddaddy too.  he's the one that kept her memory intact for so long.  after he died, she just kept slipping away a little more every day.  i just get so sad for her.  all she wants is to go home and be with joe.  one day soon, grandmother, you'll get to go home and be with him.  and when i see you there, you'll know me too.

on a happy note.

my father-in-law and brother-in-law are finally back from papua new guinea after several weeks of hard work alongside martha wade.  i'm very proud of them and the things they've done on this trip, and also that this is their SECOND trip to png.  how amazing.  and i'm so thankful that i'm part of such a brave, caring, God-loving family, that is willing to take that love to the far reaches of the world.  speaking of which, my sister-in-law abby and brother-in-law pete (same one that went to png) are taking that love to ethiopia where they are adopting their baby.  they found out a couple of weeks ago that they are now officially on the waiting list and they were #37, so pray pray pray that they move quickly down that list as they get closer and closer to their little tiny. 

all these happy things make it a little easier to deal with the not-so-happies.  we are still weepy and missing otis, but the png team's arrival sure brightened our day.  and boy does my separated clavicle sure hurt, but it just doesn't seem so bad when i'm sitting in a living room full of giggly harbin babies eating homemade banana pudding.  thank you jesus for all these lovely things.

otis clementine

yesterday we lost our sweet otis.  i don't know what else to say.  he was a huge part of our family and we miss him so much already.  i keep catching myself glancing around for his sweet mushy face.  we hope the hurt goes away soon,and he'll always be our otis clementine.

today just isn't the day

i tried painting one of the window frames i'm working on, but so far it's a no-go.  painting one-handed while holding a baby just wasn't working out so well, so instead, i took pictures of the one in progress, and two others hanging around my house.  i also took a picture of a growth chart i made several months ago but have yet to use.  perhaps posting a picture of the unfinished window will motivate me to get it finished as i have the time.  you know, instead of watching tv.

there it is.  yes, i know.  not much to it yet.  but one of these days it'll get there.  i got ahold of several windows a while back, and that's why i've been on this kick.  and now i'm thinking of selling them, if i find any interested people.

here are the other two windows decorating my house.  one permanently lives on top of my yellow piano (the most favorite thing i own), the other sits in the corner of our guest room/abigail's room when she isn't sleeping well.

if i'm not careful, i'll end up with windows in every available space in my house.  i really just can't help but love all the things you can do with them.  oh!  speaking of which, i forgot all about the father's day gift i made out of another window...

and last thing.  the growth chart.  then i'm all done.

and here it is, the first.

i've never in my life had a blog.  i know, where have i been living...but, after john bought me such a nice camera, i now feel sort of obligated to show off the results of that nice present.  and i feel like this is the easiest way.  besides, it will give me an excuse to read about everyone else's interesting lives, browse their pictures, and generally avoid, er, postpone household chores.

it has been such a nice day. even though john is at the fire station today, i've been embracing a lazy day with my littles.  i don't think june has worn pants at all today, and she's been twirling around the house with my paintbrushes, singing "you'll never go down the drain".  you know, the song mr. rogers sings to remind children not to be afraid of the bathtub drain? that one.  and abigail has been rolling around on the floor, never actually rolling all the way over.  she rolled over twice about a month ago and hasn't done it since.  she really hates being on her stomach, as do i, so i suppose she's just procastinating for as long as possible.

i have spent the better part of the day playing with pictures/trying to get them on to my computer (this is another reason why i've avoided having a blog.  i'm technologically impaired.)  here are a few of june, abigail, and my cousin tristan's son, dawson at the park.

june was having a rough time with the smiling part.

she takes my breath away every time.

as does this one. 

and please look at this sweet little boy below and tell me he doesn't melt your heart...

there isn't a word for how her smile makes me feel.  i've watched john become reduced to a puddle from it.

last weekend we went on our first camping trip with milk-face mcgee.  unless you count march of this year, when i was 8 months pregnant with abigail.  we took our little camper up to cloudland canyon.  what started out as a quiet trip with my husband, daughters, and my cousin's husband and son, suddenly morphed into a family reunion of sorts.  except we didn't have the t-shirts.  next year my friends.  my parents, 3 siblings, littlest sister's friend, and not so little sister's boyfriend came along.  my aunt, 3 smelly boy cousins whom i love dearly, one's girlfriend, and the other's fiance also came.  along with two dogs.  i was so happy that we were able to have those 3 days together.  the last time that happened i was 14.  so...sheesh, ten years ago.

my happy little hiker.

june caught her very first fish!

and then another.  and this one was taken to the tank at the interpretive center.  it's a sunfish and was named june since she caught and donated it.  this was exciting stuff.

what do i even need to say?

sleepy boy.

sleepy girl.

sweet sisters.

The End.