floating

I have been reading blogs for the last few minutes by parents who have many children, who are adopting, or who have already adopted.  I rarely take the time to read or write blogs (obviously), but just wanted to sit down for a while, and read.  In reading through the lives of all these brave, wonderful, Godly people, I am beginning to see a part of myself that I do not like.  Trust me, there are fifty thousand things about myself that I don't like, today I just recognized another one to add to the list.  You know, the list.  The one entitled "Here Are The Things I Need to Change in Order to Be Perfect".  Reading about all those people with all those children and more on the way made me realize what a coward I am.  I mean, sure, my husband and I have always talked about having lots of kids, and adoption and how cool that would be, but we never really dove any deeper than that, like what it actually TAKES to be the person for that.  Reading about the behaviors of adopted children and the patience you need to deal with that, and the waiting!  And good grief, the money that it takes.  It all seems so big and scary to me now.  I am a messy, disorganized, LAZY person.  I'll admit it.  The lazy part is what gets me the most.  I can go for days and days at full speed.  My house will be spotless, the clothes will be clean, and I'll sit down with my kids to make crafts.  I'll shower every morning during naptime and eat the right things (mostly, kind-of-sort-of), and get the errands run.  And then, I just stop.  Suddenly my house is a mess, there aren't any clean forks, and I honestly just don't really want to get up from the couch.  I suddenly feel as though I'm trudging knee-deep in sand with everything I do.  A shower every day?  Insurmountable task.  Clean laundry?  Good luck finding any.  It's frustrating.  It's annoying.  But most of all, it's embarrassing.  How is it that every month or so I become so lazy?  I HATE it.  And it's during these down times that I think, I'm just not the greatest mother or wife.  I'm not organized or patient or energetic or BRAVE enough to have lots of kids, or to adopt a child, or live in another country.  That's what I was thinking a little while ago as I read those blogs.  Wow, what great, strong, beautiful mothers.  What amazing, Jesus-loving families.  I don't know if I have what it takes to do what they do.  I know some people will say, "try slowing down and doing everything with moderation.  Don't go so overboard that you run out of steam in cycles."  Trust me, I HAVE noticed the pattern.  It's very simple; I overdo it, and then I under do it.  But that is the story of my life, so I guess I don't really know how to put moderation into practice.  I tend to go into things with gusto.  I will be extraordinarily enthusiastic about making plans, extremely passionate when I fight (not a good thing), and very, very afraid when any seed of doubt has been planted in my mind.  And I can be the best couch potato the world has ever seen.  So.  Needless to say, I am very unhappy with these qualities I see in myself.  Don't take this the wrong way, I don't think I'm some terrible mother, or bipolar for that matter, I just know where my sins are.  And I'd really like to fix them.  But it IS a little disheartening when I've seen this pattern in my life since I was like, 6.  Someone once told me that I was "the cheeriest pessimist" they'd ever met.  I know I'm not a murderer or a thief, but these little things are not so little when they are hindering me from getting closer to God.  It's hindering me from being a better mother, wife, person.  Surely it's hindering me from what God is and will be calling me to do.  I don't even know what it will be, but perhaps it is adoption, or some other huge thing?  What then?  I'm letting these ridiculous little things keep me from serving Him?  I know this is a boring, uneventful post, but I want to purge myself of all this filth and start fresh.  I want take care of my house the way I should, I want to play with my kids more frequently throughout the day, I want to teach them something new every day, and I want to be more open to whatever it is God wants for me, and geez louise, I want all the laundry put away.  So, if you wouldn't mind praying that I have less "down" days, that I put moderation into practice, and that I get rid of that unnamed fear that has gnawed at me and hindered my whole life, I'd really appreciate it.  Oh, and maybe throw in a word or two about a laundry miracle?  Thanks.

a breath away

little girls, i just can't get mad when i find plastic ponies on my toilet wrapped in toilet paper, markers with no lids squashed down into the seat cushions, blankets in the bathtub, or food in my bed.  i can't be upset when i go to bed exhausted, because i have chased you two around all day.  i cannot be annoyed when i hear whining or fussing, or when i hear a crash, smash, or crack.  i just cannot be exasperated when i hear "why"  a hundred thousand times in that tiny voice of yours.  i cannot be upset about these stretchmarks on my body, or that i have a different shape now.
because one day, those ponies will be in a box covered in dust, the toilet paper will be intact, the markers in a drawer, blankets in the closet.  there will be no food hidden under my sheets, and i'll no longer be woken up by "morning, mommy!  can i have some juice?".  i won't be chasing the sounds of your bare feet pitter-pattering across the floor, or listening for the tell-tale sound of a sad little girl, or one who's broken a piece of china that cannot hug me back.  i'll have no little child to make me think carefully about my answers to "why".  these stretchmarks will stay with me, remind me of how it felt to carry you in my womb for nine months, to feel your kick like butterfly wings.  i will love them for that alone, knowing that it was my body that kept you safe all those months.  little girls, you will not stay little forever, but i promise you, the depth of my love does not change when you grow up.  and i will cherish all these little everyday things, because the day that they are gone is only a breath away.