merry christmas

can someone please explain to me how it's already the week of christmas?  how my 3 1/2 year old is already telling me letter sounds and feeding her sister her food?  how my 8 month old is EIGHT MONTHS OLD?  please.  someone tell me how to slow it down.  half of me is leaning forward, eager to see what's coming next. while the other half of me is weeping at the thought of leaving this time behind.  at leaving behind the smell of abigail's baby skin.  the feel of june's tiny kisses.  the sound of their sparkly little laughs.  the look of love they give their mom and dad, and each other.  and those tiny hands.  oh gosh, that gets me the most.  those tiny little fingers wrapped around mine so tightly.  i don't ever want to forget the feel of their tiny, fragile hands in mine.  they'll never be this small again.  if it's moving this quickly already, june will be in college by next year.  abigail will be driving.  oh these moments.  they are so fleeting. 

sometimes when i have a little time just to sit with them and think of how far they've already come, i start to wonder about them.  i imagine what my daughters will be like when they're grown.  what kind of hearts they'll have.  what kind of things they'll love.  and then i think about the things that i hope for them.  and pray for them.  my love just goes on and on for them.  i hope hope HOPE they love God more than anything in this world.  i hope they feel that kind of love in return, tenfold.  i hope they believe in the absolute truth of Him.  i hope they take every word in that bible and hold onto it, and live it.  i hope they don't pick and choose what they believe to justify how they live, but that they let God choose how they live.  i hope those two little girls stay close their whole lives.  i hope they love others.  no matter what.  i hope they don't judge.  i hope they have a yearning to help others.  i hope for everything for them.  dear sweet little ones, merry christmas.  it's going to be a good one.

grandmother.

i went to the stewart house today to see my grandmother.  i literally haven't seen her in months.  she has Alzheimer's.  it's heartbreaking to watch the constant state of confusion on her face when people are around that she used to know; children she raised; grandchildren she rocked.  i guess that's why i've stayed away for so long.  it's very selfish of me, but i want so badly for her to know me.  just a flicker of recognition in her eyes.  i used to stay with her and my granddaddy every day while my parents worked.  she played with me, made my lunch, took me on picnics in the red wagon, and rocked me to sleep.  today she introduced herself to me and asked my name.  

Alzheimer's is a horrible disease.  it's like a poison that seeps in and steals your memories, everything you have and know about yourself so that you're no longer sure about anything or anyone, and you have nothing but the fog of confusion as your constant.

my grandmother has always been the most beautiful person i've ever seen.  when i was little, i relished for days the compliment my grandfather gave me.  he said i reminded him of my grandmother when she was young.  i know it was really just my eyes, but still.  that's enough for me.  

she used to whistle hymns and the beatles.  i held her hand all the time and she would swing my hand back and forth while she sang "i wanna hold your hand".  she always made us popsicles out of grape juice and let us dribble it all over our white shirts.  we took walks every day and had picnics at big rock.  we had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, marshmallows, juice, and peppermints.  on new year's eve, all of my cousins would spend the night at her house and eat terribly.  we'd stay up until midnight and at the stroke of 12 we'd throw confetti outside, shoot bottle rockets, and my granddaddy would dip her and give her a loud kiss.  she used to rock me to sleep in the afternoons in an old mustard-colored rocker, and she'd wind up a little music box with a woodpecker on it.  one time when i was spending the night she asked where i wanted to sleep, and i said, "the closet".  so we slept in the closet.  and she woke me up by tickling my nose with her toes.  on one of our walks a snake slithered across the road.  a big black one.  when i started to get upset, she asked if i was afraid of it.  i nodded, so she took off after it, laughing and telling it to "get on".  i couldn't even believe it.  

oh i miss her so much sometimes it aches.  i want her to know me, to know my children, and i want them to know her too.  i miss my granddaddy too.  he's the one that kept her memory intact for so long.  after he died, she just kept slipping away a little more every day.  i just get so sad for her.  all she wants is to go home and be with joe.  one day soon, grandmother, you'll get to go home and be with him.  and when i see you there, you'll know me too.

on a happy note.

my father-in-law and brother-in-law are finally back from papua new guinea after several weeks of hard work alongside martha wade.  i'm very proud of them and the things they've done on this trip, and also that this is their SECOND trip to png.  how amazing.  and i'm so thankful that i'm part of such a brave, caring, God-loving family, that is willing to take that love to the far reaches of the world.  speaking of which, my sister-in-law abby and brother-in-law pete (same one that went to png) are taking that love to ethiopia where they are adopting their baby.  they found out a couple of weeks ago that they are now officially on the waiting list and they were #37, so pray pray pray that they move quickly down that list as they get closer and closer to their little tiny. 

all these happy things make it a little easier to deal with the not-so-happies.  we are still weepy and missing otis, but the png team's arrival sure brightened our day.  and boy does my separated clavicle sure hurt, but it just doesn't seem so bad when i'm sitting in a living room full of giggly harbin babies eating homemade banana pudding.  thank you jesus for all these lovely things.

otis clementine

yesterday we lost our sweet otis.  i don't know what else to say.  he was a huge part of our family and we miss him so much already.  i keep catching myself glancing around for his sweet mushy face.  we hope the hurt goes away soon,and he'll always be our otis clementine.

today just isn't the day

i tried painting one of the window frames i'm working on, but so far it's a no-go.  painting one-handed while holding a baby just wasn't working out so well, so instead, i took pictures of the one in progress, and two others hanging around my house.  i also took a picture of a growth chart i made several months ago but have yet to use.  perhaps posting a picture of the unfinished window will motivate me to get it finished as i have the time.  you know, instead of watching tv.

there it is.  yes, i know.  not much to it yet.  but one of these days it'll get there.  i got ahold of several windows a while back, and that's why i've been on this kick.  and now i'm thinking of selling them, if i find any interested people.

here are the other two windows decorating my house.  one permanently lives on top of my yellow piano (the most favorite thing i own), the other sits in the corner of our guest room/abigail's room when she isn't sleeping well.

if i'm not careful, i'll end up with windows in every available space in my house.  i really just can't help but love all the things you can do with them.  oh!  speaking of which, i forgot all about the father's day gift i made out of another window...

and last thing.  the growth chart.  then i'm all done.

and here it is, the first.

i've never in my life had a blog.  i know, where have i been living...but, after john bought me such a nice camera, i now feel sort of obligated to show off the results of that nice present.  and i feel like this is the easiest way.  besides, it will give me an excuse to read about everyone else's interesting lives, browse their pictures, and generally avoid, er, postpone household chores.

it has been such a nice day. even though john is at the fire station today, i've been embracing a lazy day with my littles.  i don't think june has worn pants at all today, and she's been twirling around the house with my paintbrushes, singing "you'll never go down the drain".  you know, the song mr. rogers sings to remind children not to be afraid of the bathtub drain? that one.  and abigail has been rolling around on the floor, never actually rolling all the way over.  she rolled over twice about a month ago and hasn't done it since.  she really hates being on her stomach, as do i, so i suppose she's just procastinating for as long as possible.

i have spent the better part of the day playing with pictures/trying to get them on to my computer (this is another reason why i've avoided having a blog.  i'm technologically impaired.)  here are a few of june, abigail, and my cousin tristan's son, dawson at the park.

june was having a rough time with the smiling part.

she takes my breath away every time.

as does this one. 

and please look at this sweet little boy below and tell me he doesn't melt your heart...

there isn't a word for how her smile makes me feel.  i've watched john become reduced to a puddle from it.

last weekend we went on our first camping trip with milk-face mcgee.  unless you count march of this year, when i was 8 months pregnant with abigail.  we took our little camper up to cloudland canyon.  what started out as a quiet trip with my husband, daughters, and my cousin's husband and son, suddenly morphed into a family reunion of sorts.  except we didn't have the t-shirts.  next year my friends.  my parents, 3 siblings, littlest sister's friend, and not so little sister's boyfriend came along.  my aunt, 3 smelly boy cousins whom i love dearly, one's girlfriend, and the other's fiance also came.  along with two dogs.  i was so happy that we were able to have those 3 days together.  the last time that happened i was 14.  so...sheesh, ten years ago.

my happy little hiker.

june caught her very first fish!

and then another.  and this one was taken to the tank at the interpretive center.  it's a sunfish and was named june since she caught and donated it.  this was exciting stuff.

what do i even need to say?

sleepy boy.

sleepy girl.

sweet sisters.

The End.